When I was young, I always wanted an adult I could rely on for advice, counsel, warmth, direction, and protection. I did not feel I could lean on my own parents, and teachers became substitute parents for me.
The first teacher that really affected me was Miss Jenny. She was so smart, kind, and intuitive. I remember she worked out every day and was very disciplined. Miss Jenny always emphasized the body was connected to our brain. She incorporated little workout bursts in our classroom when boredom and restlessness set in. I loved her fun and creative way of working around challenges and I truly believe I am disciplined with working out because of what she sowed into me.
Miss Jenny saw my struggle with math and how hard I was working to understand. Her classroom was my safe place and because of her warmth and patience, I choose to repeat 4th grade. Her love and support boosted my confidence and nourished me. And by the end of the year, the last report card I received had straight A’s…even in math! This only happened once but because of her belief in me I was able to push through all the resistance.
My mom was a very kind soul but not a leader or a guide. More like a drifter figuring things out, humble enough to ask advice from everyone, including her own kids. As a child, I found this to be confusing, destabilizing and very unsettling. How can I trust my mom to lead? She seemed to be a lost follower very unsure of herself. My confidence in her dimmed in the light of others shining brightly who tolerated my questions and shortcomings.
Next came Mrs. Gina. She was blonde, beautiful and kind, firm and strong, not a pushover. Mrs. Gina was beautiful, smart, elegant and refined, she had a sassy streak that kept her young and fun. She had a big heart and I felt very seen by her. She treated me well, and even promised that one day, when she got pregnant, I would be her babysitter. I was so excited.
I took my role as a babysitter very serious and would go to the dollar store and pick up prizes, come up with games, and read bedtime stories for the kids I got to watch over. I prided myself on being the very best babysitter, and I was joyfully anticipating caring for my favorite teacher’s child. When Mrs. Gina got pregnant. She would let me rub her belly and proclaim, to her bump, “Here’s your babysitter!” I was beyond excited.
Mrs. Gina delivered her beautiful baby girl. I waited until the little one grew, anticipating my job of watching her precious one. But, I later learned, she asked a 12th grader to babysit. As an adult, I get it. A 12th grader feels much safer than a seventh grader. In my little heart and mind, I took it as, “I’m not good enough. I can’t be trusted. Even my favorite teacher went back on her promise because I’m so unworthy.”
From that day forward, having kids was not for me. Not only because I did not feel I was getting equipped for the world from my own home, but now I believed a lie, I wasn’t capable. All desire to watch children drained from me; shame and rejection entered.To this day, I could never fully put into words why I never felt like I was supposed to have children. But, God saw the wound and wanted me healed. This is my prayer and if you’ve gone through a similar experience, God wants to heal your roots of Rejection as well.
Pray with me:
“Heavenly Father, this wound is ancient, but it is real, and I know it is your will to heal me. Forgive me for putting any person or position higher than you.
I allowed the approval of another to affect how I see myself, and this has hindered me in countless ways. Today, I give you my shame, rejection, and self-protection.
Lord, recalibrate me to where I need to be. Centered in you, and on you, the giver of my True identity. Holy accepted, approved and a child of you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
