The stage is not a very comfortable place for me and when you listen to my story, it will all make sense. I grew up in a home where I was very suppressed. I attended a very small school. Had a learning disability. My parents couldn’t afford much, which meant no vacations or frivolities.
In the frustration and depression of my small, hopeless life, I embraced reading…which opened new worlds of possibility. I began to dream…to fantasize…I’d read biographies, learning about lives which started out sad and dull and blossomed into beauty and glamour. One day, I came across the story of a woman named Norma Jean Baker. Coming from a history of rejection, extreme poverty and mental instability, I related to her life.
I began to fantasize that if Norma Jean Baker could turn herself into a ‘Somebody’ named Marilyn Monroe, then there was hope for me. I began to fantasize about what my future could look like if I put all my effort and determination into it.
I mentioned I had a learning disability. This was very frustrating for me, especially going to a small school that couldn’t adjust to my learning. Instead of holding me back in math, they held me back a whole grade. So, I went from having tons of friends to no friends and everyone calling me stupid (or thinking it) in this tiny school.I believed I was stupid because I struggled. It’s not like I didn’t try. I worked hard every day. I couldn’t get Math because back in those days they didn’t know how to teach around a learning disorder.
The teacher would get frustrated and insinuate I was impossible to teach. That there was something wrong with me. My dad called me stupid; my grandpa treated me like I was stupid. And I began believing that. This thought festered into the lie that I didn’t have what it took to ‘make it’ like a normal person.
Being the determined creative I was, I said, “That’s never going to stop me from showing them what I’ve got! So, I began to ask myself, “Well, what a stupid people do to make money? What did Norma Jean Baker do? She modeled and was an actress. I loved acting. I did drama in high school.
I won all these acting competitions. I knew I was good at that and the reason why I was good was because I wanted to be anybody but myself. Acting was a beautiful escape from my ugly life. So, I began to follow the pattern of Norma Jean Baker. I entered beauty pageants, not because I thought I was beautiful, by any stretch of imagination, but because I was determined to get out of my situation.
I read so many stories of girls with nothing starting out just like that. I thought if I can’t depend on my natural intelligence, then what else do I have? I’ll use that!
When you get a false identity drilled into your mind, it’s amazing how you will begin to adjust around that false identity. At fifteen, I got my first modeling job. My mom wasn’t happy about it. She said I could go on ONE condition: My dad had to take me, stay with me and then drive me home when it was over.
My dad swore he would. But, that’s not what happened. Instead, I was dropped off and left to fend for myself. This was a very adult event for a naive child. Not only did my dad not stay with me, but he returned SO late, I was kicked out the building so they could shut things down. I was alone, afraid and felt so betrayed by the one person who was supposed to protect me.
As I waited for my dad in that empty parking lot, I met my first sexual abuser.After that day, the world was unsafe. Feeling unvalued, unloved and unprotected, I shoved down my pain and focused on ‘fixing the problem’, which I felt was…me.
I worked even harder, knocking on stranger’s doors to earn sponsorship for the funds to enter my first pageant. Without the emotional or financial support of my family, my sheer determination forged a way. To my surprise, I won the title of Miss Teen Chicago which was confirmation I was on the right path. I was awarded a scholarship for a modeling school, where I learned how to apply stage makeup, wave properly, pivot and walk with grace. I began developing what I felt was needed to be accepted and to feel important. But the more that I began to immerse myself in this new role, deep down, I felt anything but beautiful.
I wanted people to value and see me, but I also wanted to disappear at the same time. It was apparent I couldn’t arrive on stage as my natural self and be accepted. Oh, no, I needed to work. I needed to fix myself or I would never be accepted. And so, I became a slave of a different kind. I had to morph into impossible beauty standards!
Just in case you haven’t noticed, I’m 4 foot 11. Now imagine a midget wanting to be a model. Somehow it happened, but I didn’t get to be a regular model. Because of my height, my agent sent me out on swimwear, lingerie and beauty adds. These jobs weren’t my first choice, but I didn’t have many options. In my desperation to survive and make a name for myself, I went for it!
I decided that if I was going to be a lingerie model, I was going to be the best one.Can you think of a company that produces winning lingerie models? Besides Victoria’s secret? Playboy. Yes, Playboy. I reminded myself Norma Jean Baker was associated with Playboy! This planted another seed of confirmation.
If this was how Norma made it, maybe I could, too. I began to pursue not just modeling, but Playboy. A friend encouraged me to enter some contests where Playboy was judging. They saw me, hired me, and I began moving up the ranks in this company. It felt as if I had the answer to all my insecurities, financial setbacks and that I could finally make a name for myself.
I could prove to my dad, grandpa, math teacher and myself that just because I had a learning disorder didn’t mean I was going to struggle my whole life. I had other strengths, and I was going to use those because that’s what survivors do. I’m moving up at Playboy but feeling emptier than ever.
I can’t make friends because everyone at Playboy and even in the strip club, not one person loved me for me. It was all the image, the façade, the benefits of being around me, but it wasn’t for me. And I don’t blame them because I didn’t even know who I was, so how could anyone fall in love with me if I didn’t know who I was?
I had built this facade. I looked polished on the outside but felt so hollow and empty on the inside. I hated myself. And every day that went on, I hated myself even more. Something was missing in my life. And you know how I knew? Because I had it at one time. That’s how you know when something’s missing. It’s because you had it at one time.
I began to remember when I was a child, how I used to pray to God and dream of serving Him. I wanted to be a missionary. I judged my younger self. “You’re foolish and stupid! You need to pay the bills. How are you going to survive? You can’t depend on God. How has God ever shown up for you?My heart got reactivated in anger. “I need to keep my eye on the prize. Good things are happening. I just need to plow through this, and when I’m done with Playboy, I will serve God because then I’ll have the money to do it. God is never going to take care of me financially.
Although I missed God, I kept plowing forward. I’d pray to him and say,“God, I’m so sorry. I can’t figure out my life. Where are you? I want out of this, but I don’t know how.” Then I had a situation happen where a friend of mine passed away. He was very young. In his 30s. Suddenly, he died of a heart attack. Questions began stirring in my heart, “What if I were to die today? Where would I go?
In that moment, I knew the only god I had ever served was myself. My insecurity, fear of the future and need for control. These things were ruling me, dominating my life and goals. I didn’t think about the people I hurt to get where I was at.
Even though I didn’t sleep with men for money, I posed for Playboy. It’s pornography. It tears down marriages. It plants something poisonous into the heart and eyes of men and women. I didn’t think of that. People gave me money for taking my top off. I’m thinking, “Okay, no one else is paying me. God sure isn’t.” So I did. And the more I did it, the less I felt about myself.
I wrestled with that thought of where I’d go if I were to die. I heard a whisper, “Open your Bible.” When I was young, my mom used to say, “If you’re ever lost open the Bible.” My learning disorder is called dyscalculia. It has to do with time, space and numbers. It affects your sense of direction. Which explains why I’ve always felt very lost. My mom’s words echoed again in my mind. “If you’re ever lost open the Bible.”
My mom had given me a Bible about ten years before. It was in a box at the bottom of a bookcase. Alone in my apartment, I find and open it. The pages were fresh.I said, God, if you have something to say, you better say it now. I plopped my finger down, landing on a verse in Matthews which said, “If your eye offend you cut it out, it’s better to go into heaven with one eye than to hell with two eyes.” My belly began to stir. I felt nauseous. I didn’t like it. I said, “God, if you’ve got something to say, I’ll give you another chance.” That’s how arrogant I was. I opened the Bible again, plopping my finger down randomly, landing on a verse in Mark that said, “If your hand offends you, cut it out, it’s better to go into heaven with one hand than to hell with two.”
In that moment I knew God was speaking to me. He gave me the same message in a different verse… So what do those verses mean? If you’re choosing anything other than Jesus, it’s better to lose that thing and go to heaven than to let it take you to hell. I knew what that ‘thing’ for me was. It was my job. My straight up demonic job because I have no other words for it.
It’s not women’s liberation. There’s nothing free about it. It traps your neighbors, your friends, your fathers, your brothers. It’s not bringing light or hope into the world. It is bringing darkness. I could no longer partner with that job if I wanted to consider myself a child of God. In that moment, I began to tremble. I felt a presence in my room; like a thousand eyes staring straight through me.
There was an invisible war– light versus darkness. I could feel it pushing me down, so I crawled into bed. Then a faint voice said, “Call your mom.” I responded, “Call my mom? Why would I call my mom at 3 in the morning?” I just kept feeling like I had to call my mom. So I did. Timidly, I said, “Mom, I’m really sorry. but I had a feeling you’ll be happy to hear this. I I’m reading the Bible.”
All of a sudden, a guttural yell emerges from me. “I hate you, bitch!” It was a low, gravelly, manly voice. “Mommy! Mommy! Save me!” It was the voice of a child. My hands hit the top of the headboard. My feet hit the bottom of my bed and I’m being tied down by something invisible. I can’t see it, but I can feel it. I’m restrained. I cannot move. I begin writhing on the bed roaring and growling like a wild beast, spit coming out of my mouth as I gnash my teeth. I can feel the flames of hell all around me. The room is like 100 degrees. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. On that bed for two half hours, waiting for my mom to get help.
There was a war over my life. I was so lost I had nobody to show me the way. I was trying to figure it out and I was making a lot of mistakes.I’m sure every single one of you can relate to making a stupid mistake. But if you make a stupid mistake and it’s off here and then you keep making stupid mistakes, you can get off course really, far. That’s what happened to me.
As a child, I gave my life to Jesus, I surrendered my heart to Him.The enemy saw that. He hated the seed that was planted in me. He began to use situations in my life to get me off course just a little bit, and then just a little bit more, until I ended up all the way where I was. If any of you are in the middle of this kind of war, I am here to say God has a way out for you. He does His name is Jesus.
Julia Shalom Jordan
John Turk aka Sub Zero
I had to let it all go. All the money, fame, accolades, false power, clothes and jewelry, everything. I had to let everything go. I had to walk away, even from my husband for a season. Why? Because God said, I got a new path for you. I want to wipe this slate clean. You need to follow my lead and give everything to me. I did. It was the scariest choice I’ve ever made.
But the Lord rebuilt me from the ground up. He healed me of mental instability. Because of doors I opened with my sinful activities, I had demonic spirits inside of me. I needed deliverance. Unfortunately, my husband didn’t believe in deliverance, so he put me in a mental hospital, and I was placed on very heavy medication because of the manifestations of demonic spirits.
But God had me. He did not keep me hopped up on mental drugs or mood stabilizers. I’m here today on no medication. I don’t have osteoporosis like I did when all this was going on. During that time, I lost half my hair, went down to 75 pounds and had an eating disorder. I’ve been married for 21 years. We have a solid connection, centered in God. God restored every, single thing in my life, everything. But that’s because I gave him everything. I’m standing here before you to witness the power of God when a life is fully submitted to Him.
Some of you think you can have Jesus on the side. I did that when I was dancing. I claimed I loved Jesus. I’d wear a cross to work. Sometimes people would flip it and call me a hypocrite, and they were right!You cannot serve God and money. I’m telling you right now, you cannot serve God and money. Trust God to provide! Nothing is worth your soul!
There’s another way. His name is Jesus. He wants your whole heart. He doesn’t want your half-way, BS, lying to yourself, version of Christianity. He wants your whole heart. He won’t accept anything but that. And when you give it to Him, He will give you the power of the Holy Spirit to see life differently to make different choices. He will push bad people out of your life and move good people in. The only way that’s going to happen is if you fully submit to Him.
None of this halfway stuff, because just a little bit off can take you way off track and I’m telling you this because I know it. I don’t claim to know it all. I’ve just been down a dark road, and I don’t want you to continue down it if that’s where you’re headed. Trust Jesus with your mess. He is the only one who can make something beautiful from it. And He wants to. God bless.
