I’ve shared my struggle with ‘feeling’ the love of God, even though I know God loves me intellectually. For the past month, I’ve been on a fast and during this time, the Lord has been strengthening my walk with Him, deepening my understanding of Him and revealing different facets of how He wants to show up for me. He has taken me through the process of discovery and self-deliverance from the Spirit of Fear which entered through childhood.
Even after many breakthroughs, He told me to continue my fast, which has me spiritually primed to stay aware for more breakthroughs and deliverance. During this time of fasting and silent retreat, I asked the Lord to continue to use me in my everyday life. About a week ago, I was going about my normal chores, stopping by my tailor to pick something up and drop something off. As soon as I entered Lucy’s shop, I could see by the look on her face something was the matter.
She asked if I could do her a favor. I said of course and then she asked if I could give her a ride home. Instantly, I froze in fear and intimidation. The fear did not totally overtake me but I was aware of it.
Lucy recently had her second knee surgery and was in a lot of pain. I just pushed past my fear and began heading out my car, trying to do the math to see if I would make it back in time for my plans later on that night.
I’ve struggled with Dyscalculia, which is a math and spacial learning disorder. It greatly effects your depth perception, sense of direction, ability to sequence and mimic movements, simple math concepts and it also throws off your sense of time. This disorder has greatly effected my confidence and for a stretch of seventeen years, I even stopped driving because of it. About four years ago, the Lord told me to start driving and He did some miraculous things to confirm I should.
I never offer to give people rides because I have extreme anxiety about getting lost and dealing with the judgmental looks and questions for my particular driving “style.”But, since I asked the Lord to use me this particular day, I felt this was an invitation to walk out a fear. My friend Lucy has no idea about my struggles as our interactions up until this point have always been very short and sweet and all about business.
As soon as she entered my car, she told me she lived in Escondido, I asked her to give me the address so I could put it in my GPS. She gave me that shocked stare I’ve grown accustomed to seeing. “Don’t you know how to get to Escondido from here?”
“No, I have trouble with directions so I really enjoy my GPS.” I’m cringing inside, trying to hide my embarrassment, certain I should know how to get to her area. To be honest, I use a GPS in my own neighborhood. This is the truth, as embarrassing as it is. Which is why, I’ve chosen over the years, to not let people to close because once they see my actual struggle, it’s hard for them not to judge. This dyscalculia certifies I don’t function on typical cylanders, which is shocking for most people.
I share with Lucy I didn’t drive for seventeen years and I could see her grip the seatbelt tighter. Her wheels spinning but it was too late to get out…we were on our way. When I find her place, John starts calling my phone. He is expecting me to be at home and I don’t want to deal with all his questions so I ignore the call. I just want to get home. Lucy needs help with her walker and purse, so I exit the car with my keys inside. I’m trying to help her out and not go into a total fear that I might be locked out! I say a silent prayer as I wave goodbye and thankfully, I was able to get in without an issue. At this point, my nerves are so rattled, all I can think about is getting home.
I play one of my favorite worship albums by Bethel called Peace, and drive a little too fast as anxiety was leading the way. Letting the words of worship wash over my spirit, I feel my body start to calm down. Then, out of nowhere, cars are driving towards me from the side! I honk in shock, confused about what’s happening but the fact of the matter was I ran a red light! Two cars barrel towards mine. I don’t know how it happened but I passed intersection, without a scratch! When I think about the busyness of that intersection, I know for sure God Himself protected me and everyone in that snapshot of time.
When I first started driving, I prayed God would assign an angel to the front, back and sides of my car. Without a doubt, they got me through. By the time I got home, I was a nervous wreck but I began declaring against the Spirit of Fear working to enter my life again. I began to praise the Lord and He put it strongly on my heart, A father is supposed to provide and protect His children and in doing this, I should have no doubt of His love. Not only did God show up for me to feel loved but He wanted me to come against the Spirit of Fear that might cause me to keep living small.
The bottom line, is most people don’t understand my struggle because I’ve held back sharing it. But, the more I share, the more I accept that this is the way I am. If I can’t change it, I need to be okay with people being disappointed that I don’t function according to their expectations.
So, you might be wondering how Lucy is doing, her knee surgery recovery could use some prayers so please lift her up…and the next time she asks for a ride, I’ll say there is only one requirement for getting in my car, you must ask Jesus into your heart. Maybe my bad driving will be a catalyst for the kingdom! 🙂
“Heavenly Father,
I praise you for all of your wonderous ways!
You do not give us what we deserve but shower us with immeasurable grace!
I am alive because of your hand.
I am thriving, despite the Enemy’s plan!
You are a good Father who longs for yiour children to trust you.
Forgive me for all the times I was unable to see your love, affection, favor and protection/
My spiritual blindness has never stopped your grace from flowing.
I praise you, Lord! For I will keep going!
How I relish in my Father’s love. I can’t earn it and I don’t deserve it…yet here it is!
He loves me because He chose to!
Lord, you chose me from the foundations of the earth!
Why would the Almighty bother with a nobody like me?
Your great love is life’s great mystery!
I don’t understand you but I accept every good gift you have for me, especially your underserved Mercy.
Keep pouring it out so I can shout of your goodness to all who will listen,
In Jesus’ name, amen.”
