I’ve had these migraines, but I know that it’s the Lord just removing strongholds in my mind. I feel it. It’s part of the deliverance process because there are physical manifestations; they can manifest in a headache, but the headache is fading, so I believe that the stronghold is breaking.
I feel the Lord has been telling me, to continue to fast and as soon as I got that breakthrough I shared last week, the very next day, I woke up. I had no demonic dreams but the same thing happened. The spirit of fear came on me and the Lord said: “You know what to do.” I know he’s training me training me to stand and keep on standing and declaring.
I mentioned Lynn Touchette I follow on YouTube. The Lord told me to get her book. Well, the Spirit of Fear came to her in childhood I felt the Lord said let’s go back to where this all started for you. Lynn was a young child when Fear entered her and she also went to a very religious church and had dreams where she wasn’t taken up in the rapture. She had them several times, and was so tormented that she was going to be left behind. I couldn’t believe it! The same thing I was having!
That is honestly the most terrifying parts of my dreams was having those rapture and not being taken up dreams. It’s like so terrifying you don’t even want to tell anyone because you’re like, can this even be real? Like, am I not even saved? It starts, it gets you to question your salvation!
Let me tell you how I woke up this morning. I slept through the night and it was a great sleep and I was talking to God. And we were going over a strategy. It was like we were going back and forth, but I couldn’t hear him, but I know that I was speaking to him because I could hear my own voice, but I couldn’t hear his response. And we were going back and forth, and the last thing I remember right before I woke up is that I didn’t hear his audible voice, but he spoke to my spirit man: ” Look for the spirit of Shame and Self-hatred. Find out the source of that, okay?”
As soon as I woke, I grabbed my journal right away and I started writing. I said, Lord, when did these spirits enter me? And instantly, I see a movie of myself at fifteen years old.
I’m on my childhood bed crying after encountering first sexual abuser. I felt worthless, discarded, dirty and used. had an outside view of me as if I was looking at a person in her bedroom. I knew it was me. But I was looking at me as if I wasn’t me, and I was just watching this girl cry, and her heart was broken. She’s being sexually abused and manipulated by somebody she really likes. She’s so confused because she because I, was very naive. I grew up very sheltered. I went to a private Christian school that did not talk about this stuff. I just had a crush on this cute boy. I wasn’t thinking about him like, sexually. I was just like, oh, I’m attracted to him. I want him to like me.
He’s using me to do these things that make me feel dirty and hidden and ashamed because, you know, he’s not claiming me as his girlfriend. He’s having me sneak out in the middle of a night. That’s not, you know, that’s not something you do with an honorable girl, right?
That’s when shame and Self-hatred and Self rejection came in.
When this boy was abusing me and I didn’t want to do those things, he would call me like a prude, and say, I was a waste of his time. And I wasn’t cute anyway. He can see hotter girls at the strip club. Do you see how the enemy planted that POWERFUL seed of the strip club from my very first abuser?
I’m looking at this young girl, fifteen years old. She’s crying on the bed and the Lord spoke to my heart, “Would you ever talk to any other girl the way you’ve talked to her?”
The things said to myself, I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy! “I hate you. You’re stupid. You’re nothing. You’re trash. You’re dirty garbage. ” I hated myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I was so behind, with math, but I also hated that I felt so stupid that I didn’t know about the world. I let this guy do this to me. I didn’t know how to defend or protect myself. I didn’t even know what was happening to me.
I felt dirty and I felt like I could never be clean again because he ruined me, you know? So I was destroyed. I wanted to save my purity, and it was taken from me. I’m looking at myself, my younger self, crying, The Lord said, “You’ve destroyed her with your own words. ”
I looked at that younger me, and felt such sorrow and compassion for her. I began to just weep from my fifteen year old self, ignorant, innocent, beating myself up, hating and judging myself. I had to hide this dirty secret because I went to a Christian school. I would get kicked out if anyone knew. I had I had to bury it. I had to carry it. I’m just weeping and weeping and repenting. The Lord said, “You need to forgive yourself for not knowing what to do. Forgive yourself for what happened to you. It’s not your fault. ”
God starts walking me through this process of speaking to my younger self. I say, “Julia, I’m so sorry for the words I spoke over you. You were just a kid. You were being abused and manipulated by a much older boy. Then you began to abuse yourself. I reverse those words over you. I love you. You’re not ugly. You’re not rejected. You’re precious. You’re not trash. And began to undo all the words I spoke over myself.
He said, “You cannot receive the love of God. if you hate yourself.” This is my block from receiving the love of God! I’ve hated myself since I can ever since that happened to me at fifteen! Then, cast out the spirit of self rejection, self- hatred, self judgment and shame and I go through the whole process of deliverance.
The Lord is having me write these key words in all caps. I’m just doing it because I feel like led to and I realize every word that I write in caps is a spirit that he wants me to cast out! He speaks to my spirit, “See all those caps? Those are spirits. Cast them out.”
Another memory comes up. I won’t get into the details but when my dad found out I was stripping, He gave me a look of complete Disgust and Hate. For a few years, my dad wouldn’t look me in the face. He even slammed the door in my face when I would visit. I didn’t want to come home, but every child needs their family, so I would try to come home. Everytime I did I experienced such deep rejection.
I wallowed in so much shame, sorrow and depression. Eventually, the grief and pain turned into anger. I began to empower myself with the thoughts, “I’ll show them. And that’s when I cut my heart off because they had closed the door in my face. I said, if I am not good enough for them, then I would become good enough for the world!”
The Lord told me, “That’s an inner vow you need to break.”
I’m writing out in my journal: “Today I bind and cast out these spirits. shame, self hatred, self rejection, hidden, dirty, worthless, garbage, discarded, anger, pride, and grief. I cancel my inner vow that if I’m not good enough for them, I will become good enough for the world. Instead, I declare I will listen to Jesus God and the Holy Spirit and no other!!!
For three or four months now, I’ve been praying this one prayer: “Create me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me, and do not withhold your Holy Spirit from me.” That has been my prayer. I’ve been earnestly praying, God change me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t figure this out!
What I’ve been learning in this whole process is that in the past, I’ve severed a bunch of branches of the demonic but there were still ROOTS that needed to go! God is doing that deep work because I was finally ready to obey and go on an extended fast, seeking His face, night and day until He revealed what was happening.
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
