This is the greatest battle that I have had since I first came to Jesus. I have had demonic dreams every night for about a year now, ongoing, tormenting dreams of being back in the strip club, of being left behind, of being stuck in the club and never being able to get out for eternity, of being raped in my dreams of violence happening. It’s just the things I don’t even want to talk about it. They’re so dark.
And I’ve just been going through it reading verses on fear, praying declaring verses, praying, anointing myself with oil, you know, putting on the armor of God. Everything.
The Lord told me to go on to fast. I didn’t want to. I fought it, I fought it, I was like, I don’t want to. I don’t know what I’m fasting for. He told me to go on the fast, He didn’t tell me why. I was like, I don’t know why I’m fasting, so it’s silly. It doesn’t make sense to me. Finally, I obeyed. I’ve been fasting for three weeks. Breakfast and lunch. I have been pursuing God praying for other people. I haven’t heard about what this fast is about, but I’m still doing it. The dreams were getting worse and worse. And I’m like, what is going on? I don’t know how to fight this. I reached out and I asked for prayer because I really needed it.
So, I follow this lady on YouTube. Her name is Lynn Touchette. I consider her my grandma because she just reads God’s word and she’s very encouraging and there’s just something so warm and motherly in grandma about her.
I didn’t realize that she wrote a book. I was like, okay, I’m going to get it. I support this lady. When I clicked on her link, I saw she wrote a book about the Spirit of Fear. I ordered it and later that night, it came in the mail. I start reading this before I go to bed.
That night I had no demonic dreams, but right when I woke up, the spirit of Fear hopped on me bad…there was so much anxiety, so much fear. And I was like, oh my gosh, I finally got a night’s rest, but as soon as I woke up, it was on me. I’m in the dark and I’m like, God, what is this? Why is this happening? I don’t understand. I’m crying out to Him, in my mind’s eye he brings me back to a memory from childhood, and it’s so vivid to me. The memory is with one of my grandmothers.
The one who suffered from schizophrenia. She was traumatized because my grandfather left her as an immigrant with three kids and no education and no skills and he left her to fend for herself so she was in and out of hospitals and on food stamps. I remember she was loving and kind but also very strange and scary at the same time. She would talk to herself and when she talked nothing made sense.
One day my dad took me and my brother to Lake Michigan on Chicago’s shoreline. We walk around with my grandmother and it’s summertime. She’s holding me and my brother’s hand. My dad wasn’t paying attention and she walked off with us. She got very lost and we dragged around in the hot sun FOR hours. My grandma was so terrified. The look of fear on her face. I can see it. She’s looking around. She can’t find my dad. I’m scared and she’s squeezing my hand. She won’t let go. She’s afraid, we’re going to run away or get lost. So she’s doing it because she loves us, right?
But I’m feeling tortured because she’s squeezing my little hand so tight, it feels my bones are crushing. Sweat is just dripping between her hand and my hand. I’m crying. The sun is beating down on us. We’re walking and walking for miles. I don’t even know how long.I’ve got a splitting headache. I’m screaming, crying. Strangers are staring at us, asking us if we are okay and my grandmother clamps down harder. There’s no water. We wet our pants.
Finally, our dad finds us. he’s angry. I see his rage, and I get more scared.
So the Lords takes me back to this memory and he’s showing me I was four years old when the spirit of fear got transferred but not only that, but the spirit of fear put my grandmother in a mental institution. So that also got transferred into me, too along with the spirit of confusion. Many transfers happened in that moment.
The Lord brought up memories of going to church all the time and hearing about how sin sends us to hell. I remember being so terrified of God and going to the altar call continuously.
Then He took me back to memories of my dad, spanking us. When we didn’t obey, we got spanked but things went too far. My mom eventually took over those duties because it was not done in love.
When the Spirit of Fear was coming on me with these demonic dreams and nightmares, I would have this thing where my butt would tingle as a warning. This used to happen to me as a child because my dad would put us in a room and say, wait there until I give you a spanking. And he would make us wait for what felt like forever. The whole time I knew I was going to get us spanking my butt would tingle, to prepare me for the pain.
It’s crazy, but I would get that same tingling sensation and every night the spirit of fear would come on me, saying, “The Lord is mad! I am not doing enough! He is going to take me to hell He is going punish me for not being perfect. I’ve still got issues. I’m still insecure. I’m not enough.”
I would have these nightmares of being abandoned by God. They were happening so much, I was exhausted and beat down.
Anyway, through taking me back, the Lord is showing me where the Spirit of fear first came in, not just with my grandmother and that circumstance, but the unhealthy fear of God, because our earthly father is a representation of God and my early church memories of being taught unbalanced doctrine about sin and Hell. It was void of our Victory in Jesus’ blood and the power of the Holy Spirit to guide us.
My father was associated with discipline. Not a person to receive love, connection, identity or validation. I’m certain this was not done with intention. I’m sure this was the way he was raised. It was what he knew.
I’ve had the spirit of fear since I was four years old. It’s a generational curse. And with all the deliverance that I’ve gotten, this has been the Main spirit that has been so deeply rooted in me. I had gone through inner healing for many of these painful memories but, I NEVER cast the Spirit of Fear out. I literally thought this was just my personality. This spirit felt like Truth because it had been with me since I was four! It was so deep inside. I didn’t see it until I fasted.
I’ve been fasting for three weeks. I didn’t know what I was fasting for. I was fasting for my OWN deliverance. Because some things do not come out unless you have prayer and fasting. I usually don’t ask for prayer for myself. But the Lord said, ask for prayer, like you need prayer.
Do I believe a Christian can have demons? Yes. You can. Think about it…if it took me about 2 years after my salvation to get free, does that mean I wasn’t a child of God as He was in the process of working with me as I came against demonic strongholds?
“I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
That’s the promise I stand on continually as He is the one to faithfully hold us up as we choose to walk out our freedom in Christ. You can have demons, because they are in your soul. Not your spirit.
I love the Lord, I hear from Him , I worship God. But I’ll tell you something. There’s one thing I have never experienced. And that is the love of the Father.
Logically, I put two and two together and see the pattern of love in my life, right? God sent me John when God saved my life from suicide. He saved me from getting hit by a car when I had demons. He saved me from so many things, and so I see the pattern of love, I see the evidence of love. But I have never, ever, ever felt the love of a father.
Something has blocked me from receiving the love of God. I’m just processing through all this stuff. I feel during this fast, God will reveal what is blocking it.
About a month and a half ago, he asked me, will you let me adopt you? Formally, he asked me that. Will you let me be your father? Will you let go of your father? Will you let me do that job for you? And I said, yes. And I thought for sure, I would feel the love of the father when I said yes. But even though I accepted God’s adoption offer, I haven’t. YET. Anyway, I’m still in process. I’m glad I obeyed God and went on this fast, because some things cannot come out unless through prayer and fasting. I did the fasting and asked my friends for prayer, ’cause I couldn’t pray for myself.
I said, heavenly Father, you revealed the stronghold of fear and the transference of torment, mental instability, and confusion.
The Lord told me to just journal something down. It was this:
“My precious jewels, receive your healing and deliverance by faith. I died to set you totally free. Believe that you’ve received it before you see the changes, before you feel the changes. Receive your portion by faith, give everything to me.”
He had me read James, the whole chapter of James, and I couldn’t believe it! If you could just read James 1:2- 8, I was like, I don’t know how to describe it, but I just opened up my Bible and it was right on James. It is pretty much exactly what he just told me. That doesn’t really happen too often. I mean, God will confirm through His Word a word He’s given me, but not like that! Where all of a sudden I open up the Bible and it’s literally exactly the same message as He had me journal! He told me My deliverance is not over.
