“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
My husband and I are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary. People often ask how we maintain a healthy marriage. This is when I get my friends who are in the dating realm to consider these questions:
-How will your current dating behavior affect your future marriage? And,
-Are you becoming that woman who is worth finding?
I know just saying those two topics will trigger a lot of people but I implore this: If we really want to grow, we need to get over offenses. Imagine going to the gym and being offended by how painful it is to build a muscle? Positive progress always takes two basic ingredients: sober self-reflection and strategic change.
Frankly, us women, have the MOST to lose by investing in the wrong man.
The truth is: Women giving men sex depletes and lowers her reputation while bolstering the male’s reputation. This isn’t fair but it is fact.
Let me enlighten you with my personal experience. I made a huge mistake with my first boyfriend in college. I struggled with giving him my virginity, (which indicated I really didn’t want to) but after much whining and convincing, I relented and gave up something very precious to me. I went against my own instincts and convictions, and this resulted in me being unable to recognize the red flags of his toxic behavior. This was because I became blinded by the hormone exchanged during our entanglement.
After I got out of that seven-year mess, I vowed to God to save myself for the man I was supposed to marry.
Many explain true love as a crime of passion but in my opinion true love is reflected in sacrifice.
When John and moved from casually dating to becoming exclusive, I expressed my need to save my body for the man I would marry, and this meant I would not be sleeping with him. John was used to women fawning all over him and I considered having this stance might motivate him to look elsewhere, but this was important to me. I needed this boundary to protect my mind, body, and heart.
Of course, like any guy, John was not crazy about the idea of no sex before marriage, but he put aside his desires to meet mine. This is called sacrifice. And it was John’s sacrifice which made me feel safe, honored, loved, and even more attracted to him.
In abstaining for as long as we could, John and I had a chance to build a genuine connection which was not based on what I gave John sexually but who I was as a person.
This allowed us to really see each other through the lens of friendship and partnership. Of course, were sexually attracted but that could not be the driving factor in our relationship and by putting that on the back burner we had a chance to build something deeper. I have absolutely zero regrets about doing things this way.
In my earlier relationship, I learned the importance of carefully selecting who I give my life-force energy to. And from that painful experience, I understood the value of not opening a portal that has the power to destroy me! Investing in a sexual partner who is not invested in me is the greatest self- abandonment I can think of.
When building a life, we must not take our lives lightly! Marriage is a contractual commitment for a woman to be:
- Cared for
- Provided for
- Protected physically, financially, and emotionally.
“But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building
without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?” Luke 14:28
Before you make the choice to sleep with a man, stop and count the cost. Consider your:
- Risk of pregnancy
- Risk of STD’s
- Opening your heart to deeper rejection (when you give your body, you expose your heart)
- Reducing your value to serious marriage-minded partners
- Destroying trust in yourself and men
As many of you know, I worked an exotic dancer for years. One day the Lord showed me the reason I was having so much mental and spiritual confusion was because I danced for so many men! I stripped for twelve years…and even though I did not give my body to them through touch or sex, I did allow them access to me visually…which was enough to open a portal of oppression to not only me but to every man I danced for (and to their wives and partners.) This is akin to spiritual disease. (Demonic Soul Ties)
Exposing myself in this way, fragmented me with soul ties. Today I am taking the time with the Holy Spirit and receiving deep inner healing. I am in the recovery process. I am taking ownership for clearing up my mind and heart from the oppression I opened myself up to.
I can attest my relationship with John was strained at times. This is because I carried baggage from the pain I did not deal with. I’m dealing with it now and the more I take care of my personal issues, the better our marriage becomes. We are far from perfect but please learn from my mistakes and don’t allow your future marriage to struggle because you haven’t worked on becoming whole yourself.
In the natural realm, we understand the value of rare things. If an item is a one-of a kind masterpiece, it will sell for millions of dollars. Think about the rare Birkin bag with its limited-edition pieces. A free plastic bag from the grocery store is not considered valuable because they are cheap and they are everywhere and for everyone!
Why is a Birkin so valuable? Because there’s only a limited amount made.
Women who are not easily accessible (and you know what this implies) are considered more valuable because they value themselves and do not treat themselves like second-hand goods. This is truth.
I am not shaming anyone for making mistakes. I just feel it’s crucial for us women to not get offended and to keep our spiritual eyes open. If we know our words have power, how can we deny that our actions hold power, too?
If a young woman treats her own body with disrespect, how can she claim to be the prize? She can’t!
Our precious, beautiful bodies were not created to be a public dumping ground. Your body is a temple. Sex is a fun and sacred act reserved for you and your husband.
Before opening your body and bedroom, ask yourself this:
- Will this act bring me peace? Now? Two years from now? Five years from now?
- Will this act open me to: insecurity, anxiety, depression, disease, distrust or even an early death?
I believe investing in your future self is just as important as taking care of your immediate needs.
When we don’t honor our instincts, we feel insecure and bad about ourselves. At least from my experience, every choice I made against my own personal moral code, seemed to fracture my confidence and self-worth.
If you find yourself struggling with low self-esteem, let’s pray for your freedom today.
“Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for making me in your image. I was made to love and be loved; to blossom into a woman and eventually become a wife.
I want the kind of intimacy that nurtures my growth and helps others to grow. Help me to get out of my own way.
Thank you for equipping me with intuition; I regret I have not honored it in the past. Forgive me for discarding this precious gift as this has caused great dishonor to myself.
Lord, I receive your mercy and forgiveness; help me to forgive myself.
Break every soul tie that is not of you and remove all residue of low self-worth.
I give you full permission to show me my worth and value and bless me to never settle for anything less than your very best.
I trust you for you promised to take me from glory to glory and this is just the beginning of your redemption story…in me. In Jesus’ name, amen.”